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LiveJournal! [21 Sep 2012|01:38am]
[ mood | accomplished ]

Testing. I'm bringing this shit back. Old school bitches.

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Nature is evil. [18 Apr 2011|03:01pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

So there I was, in the shower, shaving the areas around my cock and balls, when I look up and see this astonishing spectacle. A butterfly, with blue velvet wings and a whisper of shimmering orange on the edges, fluttering right outside my bathtub window. I truly felt it was looking at me, and I instantly understood the miracle of life as my mind drifted into a softer, gentler world....and then, "ouch", I nicked myself. I threw my loofah at the window, and the evil insect fluttered away, no doubt laughing, never to be seen again.In summation, I would just like to say, "Fuck you nature, don't hypnotize me with your beauty while I'm shaving my balls."

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I have interesting friends... [24 Sep 2010|06:33pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So, I have recently lost all my contacts on my phone due to a freak chopstick accident. Below is an ongoing text conversation I am having with someone....

Mystery Person: You don't have a BB anymore, right?

ME: Right, who's this?

Mystery Person: yo mama

ME: Eh, ok. Lost all my contacts, so no idea who this is.

Mystery Person: I'm well aware of that.

ME: So who is this?

Mystery Person: You should of guess by now.

ME: You're just a series of numbers to me at the moment.

Mystery Person: And if I tell you I want to be inside of you, am I still nothing but a series of numbers? Is that not enough to transcend this binary state?

ME: I love you. You had me at binary.

Mystery Person: That's what I'm afraid of. You only care about my numerical form. Will you ever care about what's inside?

Mystery Person: I want to believe you will...I need to believe!

3 comments|post comment

[26 Oct 2008|10:57pm]
[ mood | curious ]

I really, really want to....

...lay in bed and cuddle with Morrissey, and have him sing softly in my ear...

Does that make me gay?

6 comments|post comment

Ramblings... [08 Jun 2008|05:38am]
Wow, I have not written in quite some time. Seems alien to me somewhat, sitting here in front of my computer, staring at this blinking cursor, slightly distracted by The Last Starfighter that is playing on the television behind me.

I can vaguely recall a time when I wrote much, purging incessantly into words what seems now, the inane and abstracted rants of a credulous fool. And yet here I am, feeling foolish beyond all measure....
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Ground Control to Major Tom. Commencing countdown, engines on. [15 Apr 2008|09:15pm]
[ mood | excited ]

By tomorrow, I shall be in New York City! If I do not return in a week...then the inevitable occured....

I fell into some toxic waste, and was transmuted into...

A teenage mutant ninja panda! And although I am neither a teenager or possess the body hair of a grown man...nonetheless, I know lurk beneath the sewers of New York and fight crime...and occasionally have crazy parties with hot people.

So remember me fondly, and be sure to make t-shirts with my visage upon it and wear it often.

So long Texas!

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Cinemax should let me produce a late night show... [11 Mar 2008|05:16am]
[ mood | awake ]

Insomnia, black tea, and boredom. This ménage à trois of sorts stimulated my overwhelming impulse to pass time. I mean, why the hell else would I decide to open my AIM log to read past conversations? I found myself exceedingly astonished at how far back the log went...and after hours of mind numbingly vapid reading...I did come across a jewel that made me smile. Certain names, just one really, were omitted to protect the innocent.

Name Deleted: true, and then you wouldn't have any battle scars
groovylayne: yes, i feel manly..next time though, you're wearing mittens
Name Deleted: i can restrain if you like
groovylayne: we'll play eskimos in heat
Name Deleted: lol,
groovylayne: no, restraining sort of defeats the purpose of being able to release...
groovylayne: of course, i do have handcuffs...
Name Deleted: eek
groovylayne: we can play fugitive eskimos in heat
Name Deleted: oh dear
groovylayne: you are being restrained because you vandalized my igloo...and i teach you a hearty lesson by showing you my massive polar bear
Name Deleted: lmao, polar bear??
groovylayne: sorry, wanted to see how far i could go with that.
Name Deleted: it got me laughing pretty hard.
groovylayne: sounds more sexual than baby seal...
Name Deleted: especially if we throw in snow shoes
Name Deleted: yeah, baby seal doesn't
groovylayne: now you're just being silly.
groovylayne: snow shoes...pfft, whatever.
Name Deleted: of course i am being silly
groovylayne: i'm not going to let you play if you don't take this serious...
Name Deleted: okay, let me guess, I have very little to nothing on under my parka?
groovylayne: incorrect, you have a sweater on, and long johns...its freezing...are you insane?
Name Deleted: i hate long johns though
groovylayne: how about a long layne?
groovylayne: god i'm good.
Name Deleted: god you are BAD!
groovylayne: you're just jealous because i have the verbal reflexes of a jungle cat...
Name Deleted: yes, but I have the claws of one!
groovylayne: touche
groovylayne: well, all this artistic sexual innuendos have exhausted me...
groovylayne: i'm going to crawl into bed and masturbate to snowmen

If the person involved in the above scintillating exchange happens to recognize and recollect this amusing banter...let me know, I am curious to see if you do, indeed, remember. :-)

3 comments|post comment

Get a chance to see me naked. [12 Jan 2008|03:36pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I'm looking for a second roommate to move into my new house with me. It's a big house in Plano, Rent is 600 a month, all bills paid, No deposit, no lease required. All bills paid include Fios internet and cable. Nice size bedroom upstairs. Big yard with deck, big kitchen, etc. Pass the word. No crazies please. Perverts ok.

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We mustn't dwell. No, not today. We CAN'T. Not on Rex Manning Day! [25 Nov 2007|02:00pm]
[ mood | amused ]

"Save the Empire!"
"It's Rex Manning Day!"

Just a few of the things I wanted to say to Renee Zellweger last night when she came in, but alas, I chickened out because I am not as young and cool as I once was...plus I like my job.

2 comments|post comment

[18 Nov 2007|09:31pm]
[ mood | amused ]

So as I walked into work last night, I was told this.

Boss: Smashing Pumpkins are coming in, with Billy Corgan, you're going to take them.
Me: Weee!

They were nice...and when Billy directly asked me what the seasonal soup was, I responded with, "Matsutake mushrooms are in season...so we have a soup blah blah blah", but what I was thinking and wanting to say was, "Did you really fuck Courtney Love? And is it true her vagina has razor-sharp teeth?".

And people say I have no control.

4 comments|post comment

[13 Nov 2007|12:47pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

I just bought a new toy...I named her Jezebel. /evil grin

Going to Grapevine early Sunday morning to play paintball with about 15 people, anyone who wants to come along, let me know. They provide equipment if you don't have it.

1 comment|post comment

No Future! [12 Oct 2007|01:13pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]

So I'm lying in bed, watching Hardcore American, a documentary on the punk scene in the eighties...the rise and decline, the bands that started the movement, Black Flag, Minor Threat, DOA, Bad Religion, etc. And I begin to get inspired, my adrenaline is rushing...I feel the need to fight society, fight the establishment...I feel embolden, inspired, exhilarated, as if the ghost of Sid Vicious himself is shouting into my left ear, telling me to incite a revolution, clash with the one thing that vexes me at this very moment!

My ceiling fan...its a bastard! I just sneezed and it blew all my spittle back into my face...Arrg! I fucking hate that! Damn the man! Damn the fan! No Future! ARRRRR! *trashes bedroom

3 comments|post comment

[01 Oct 2007|03:29pm]
[ mood | scared ]

Just woke up...had a dream about clowns from the Church of Latter Day Saints...

Mormon clowns....


I don't get it, I went to bed sober.

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This is why I don't play poker [26 Sep 2007|03:10pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

It all started when Himel and Brian were playing pool, and were placing $10 bets on each game...and after a few games, Alex and myself decided to play as well. However, neither of us carry any cash on us...so what to do? Alcohol could have been a factor...also the twisted minds of my friends and I cannot be discounted.

Game 1/Alex vs. Layne - I lost, I now have to wear a banana costume for one whole day at next year's anime convention.

Game 2/Alex vs. Brian - Alex lost, he now has to dress as Madonna (cone bra and fishnets version) down to the smallest detail, for Halloween.

Game 3/Alex vs. Carrie - Carrie lost, and now owes Alex a lap dance while wearing a banana costume and a cowboy hat.

Game 4/Himel vs. Layne - Himel lost, has to perform a lap dance in the bar to one song in it's entirety for the girls. (Pictures Below)

Game 5/Himel vs. Layne - Loser here, gets to join Alex as Madonna for Halloween. I lost, I get to dress up as "Like a Virgin" Madonna. (Wedding gown)

Game 6/Himel vs. The Girls - This one, we were all cheering for the girls, for if they win, Himel had to run naked through the bar. Alas, Himel was victorious, so he received a double lap dance from the girls.

I should have just gone to the ATM instead.

Pictures of HumiliationCollapse )

5 comments|post comment

[06 Sep 2007|02:17pm]
[ mood | amused ]

A Burning Man participant was found dead this morning, hanging from the inside of a two-story high tent, according to Mark Pirtle, special agent in charge for the Bureau of Land Management.

The apparent suicide would be the festival's first in its 21 year history, Pirtle said.

Pershing County coroners are investigating the scene and preparing to remove the body. Pirtle said the man was hanging for two hours before anyone in the large tent thought to bring him down. "His friends thought he was doing an art piece," Pirtle said.

I apologize in advance...but that last bit...fucking hilarious.

3 comments|post comment

[19 Aug 2007|01:38am]
[ mood | awake ]

And to add on to my prior post...Nickelback came in tonight.

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[18 Aug 2007|03:51pm]
[ mood | determined ]

Restaurant week is killing me. I'm working three weeks straight, no days off. At least I'm going to be pseudo rich at the end of it...if I don't die first.

Korn came in a few days ago.

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Tonight... [13 Aug 2007|01:35am]
[ mood | curious ]

was surreal, but sweet.

2 comments|post comment

[01 Aug 2007|12:23am]
[ mood | amused ]

So I was sent up to a hotel room tonight to deliver and explain the menu...and after knocking and waiting patiently, who do you think answers the door? Wearing a button-up shirt, boxer shorts, argyle socks pulled up to his knees, and a five o'clock shadow...

Fred Savage.

I love my job.

7 comments|post comment

[13 Jul 2007|02:48am]
[ mood | dorky ]

That is it! I am now cutting off my book spending budget. In two weeks, with online and my little slightly inebriated romp through Barnes and Noble last night...I have spent over $300. You are all my internet witnesses...I am banning myself from that evil, but alluring temptress of a store.

However, there is a bright side, now I can be alone, and roll around naked in my hard and softcover bitches...oh yeah. Thats right, my bitches. Here to please me and do as I say, and I'll do it too, flipped over, from behind, even backwards...open and close, open and close, with a bookmark...I know what they like. Now to even further humiliate and degrade them, I'm going to line them up, so everyone here can ogle and leer at them.

Neverwhere - Neil Gaiman
Rant - Chuck Palaniuk
(Which now completes my collection)
Paradise Lost - Milton (Lovely hardcover with awesome illustrations)
Neuromancer - WIlliam Gibson
House of Leaves - Mark Z. Danielewski
Hagakure - Yamamoto Tsunetomo
Complete Works of Shakespeare (Also a lovely leatherbound hardcover)
Black Seas of Infinity - H.P. Lovecraft
The Complete Far Side - Gary Larson
(This big baby here, weighs 20 pounds, I weighed it on the bathroom scale)

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